Big Bang ----- The Anti-Update
May. 1st, 2012 11:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vyperddIt's 10.45pm on May 1st, the deadline for first drafts for the ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
spn_j2_bigbang is midnight and my fic sits on my laptop in a state of utter messiness and unfinshed scenes and scraps of action and dialogue that begin great and lead nowhere and it's not going anywhere. I decided about a week ago not to submit even the first draft and only now with just over an hour til the deadline has it really hit me. Also not helping is seeing all the posts of sheer delight and relief on my flist of fellow bb'ers finishing their's and sending them off to the BB mods. But I am truly happy for those of you dedicated and talented and organised enough to have gotten this far. You rock, guys, every single one of you and I can't wait for June to arrive so I can read all the wonderful fics.
And yet, as sad as it makes me feel, I know in my heart that I've made the right decision. There was just way too much left of the story I wanted to tell and way too little time to tell it. It's completely my fault. I went days and even a couple of weeks where not only did I not write a single word, I didn't even open the Word doc on my laptop. The worse time were during a couple of challenges with deadlines and minimum wordcounts involved. I had never felt less like writing and when I did force myself I literally cringed at the results and had to fight the very real urge to hit the delete button and send the whole damn fic to the trashcan.
I could have , maybe, slogged hard enough to bash out a very very rough draft and submit that, but I knew that I would hit the worse case ever of writer's block for the whole of May and would struggle to finish it.
By pulling out now, all the pressure of the looming deadline has vanished and though I'm not writing dozens of pages a day, I am liking the few paragraphs I have written and have gotten back to the stage of wanting to write and looking forward to getting home from work so I can continue a scene or flesh out a new one. That feeling has been missing for so long, that it feels damn good to have it back.
I can and will work on it at my own pace over the coming weeks and months and know that it will be a much better story than if I had rushed it to meet the deadline for this year. Am still undecided as to whether I'll hold it for next year's BB or post it once it's done.
I had absolutely no idea what I would write about when I signed up back in late January, other than it would feature Sam as the main character. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Within a couple of days, thanks to a blindfold prompt combined with an idea that had been hibernating in my brain for a couple of years, I had the grain of a story that I thought I could MAYBE stretch and pad out to the 20,000 minimum, stretching from pre-series TeenChesters to post-Bobby's death. Outlined 7 or so major scenes that I thought I could write 3 or 4 thousands words each and thereby have my BB fic. A three line flashback in the last scene grew and grew and grew and before I knew it, I was writing a 15,000 word fic set during just 9 months when Sam and Dean were teenagers and just beginning their relationship as more than brothers ( May 98-Jan 99) and the rest of the scenes were excised and put aside to form further fics in this thing which has now turned into a 'verse.
Each fic basically follows a scene where Dean has hit or punched Sam and why Sam has never retaliated except when he's under some sort of supernatural influence (Asylum, possessed by Meg, addicted to demon blood) and from there got me to thinking what else Sam has allowed Dean to do to him without fighting back or resisting.
There's a Sam/Ruby2.0 fic which I can't wait to write about his first taste of demon blood and another to do with the origin of that super scary curved knife that we saw for a few seconds in the pilot when he's packing to go with Dean to find their Dad and a couple of fics that Dean has demanded be told from his POV. There's appearances by Lucifer and Gordon and dope-pushing motel managers from 1978 and the Amulet makes a comeback, though Sam will be wishing he had left it in the trashcan. ;-) and lots and lots of Sam/Dean sex and Sam'n'Dean lovin' and angstin' and crying.
So farewell BigBang2012. It was a hell of a fun, but scary ride while it lasted and despite all the stress and tears and days where the boys wouldn't let me see or hear what was going on, (and when they did it was things I had no idea they would do and which changed the whole tone and direction of the story, but always for the better) I can't wait to continue the journey over the coming months and hopefully arrive at May 2013 with a fully finished fic ready to share with the SPN family.
spn_j2_bigbang is midnight and my fic sits on my laptop in a state of utter messiness and unfinshed scenes and scraps of action and dialogue that begin great and lead nowhere and it's not going anywhere. I decided about a week ago not to submit even the first draft and only now with just over an hour til the deadline has it really hit me. Also not helping is seeing all the posts of sheer delight and relief on my flist of fellow bb'ers finishing their's and sending them off to the BB mods. But I am truly happy for those of you dedicated and talented and organised enough to have gotten this far. You rock, guys, every single one of you and I can't wait for June to arrive so I can read all the wonderful fics.And yet, as sad as it makes me feel, I know in my heart that I've made the right decision. There was just way too much left of the story I wanted to tell and way too little time to tell it. It's completely my fault. I went days and even a couple of weeks where not only did I not write a single word, I didn't even open the Word doc on my laptop. The worse time were during a couple of challenges with deadlines and minimum wordcounts involved. I had never felt less like writing and when I did force myself I literally cringed at the results and had to fight the very real urge to hit the delete button and send the whole damn fic to the trashcan.
I could have , maybe, slogged hard enough to bash out a very very rough draft and submit that, but I knew that I would hit the worse case ever of writer's block for the whole of May and would struggle to finish it.
By pulling out now, all the pressure of the looming deadline has vanished and though I'm not writing dozens of pages a day, I am liking the few paragraphs I have written and have gotten back to the stage of wanting to write and looking forward to getting home from work so I can continue a scene or flesh out a new one. That feeling has been missing for so long, that it feels damn good to have it back.
I can and will work on it at my own pace over the coming weeks and months and know that it will be a much better story than if I had rushed it to meet the deadline for this year. Am still undecided as to whether I'll hold it for next year's BB or post it once it's done.
I had absolutely no idea what I would write about when I signed up back in late January, other than it would feature Sam as the main character. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Within a couple of days, thanks to a blindfold prompt combined with an idea that had been hibernating in my brain for a couple of years, I had the grain of a story that I thought I could MAYBE stretch and pad out to the 20,000 minimum, stretching from pre-series TeenChesters to post-Bobby's death. Outlined 7 or so major scenes that I thought I could write 3 or 4 thousands words each and thereby have my BB fic. A three line flashback in the last scene grew and grew and grew and before I knew it, I was writing a 15,000 word fic set during just 9 months when Sam and Dean were teenagers and just beginning their relationship as more than brothers ( May 98-Jan 99) and the rest of the scenes were excised and put aside to form further fics in this thing which has now turned into a 'verse.
Each fic basically follows a scene where Dean has hit or punched Sam and why Sam has never retaliated except when he's under some sort of supernatural influence (Asylum, possessed by Meg, addicted to demon blood) and from there got me to thinking what else Sam has allowed Dean to do to him without fighting back or resisting.
There's a Sam/Ruby2.0 fic which I can't wait to write about his first taste of demon blood and another to do with the origin of that super scary curved knife that we saw for a few seconds in the pilot when he's packing to go with Dean to find their Dad and a couple of fics that Dean has demanded be told from his POV. There's appearances by Lucifer and Gordon and dope-pushing motel managers from 1978 and the Amulet makes a comeback, though Sam will be wishing he had left it in the trashcan. ;-) and lots and lots of Sam/Dean sex and Sam'n'Dean lovin' and angstin' and crying.
So farewell BigBang2012. It was a hell of a fun, but scary ride while it lasted and despite all the stress and tears and days where the boys wouldn't let me see or hear what was going on, (and when they did it was things I had no idea they would do and which changed the whole tone and direction of the story, but always for the better) I can't wait to continue the journey over the coming months and hopefully arrive at May 2013 with a fully finished fic ready to share with the SPN family.
